The most exhausting thing in this world is pretending that you are okay when in fact you are not. Even when your world is falling apart you still have to fulfill certain roles because you are expected to play the parts assigned to you. There is an urge to keep going which you can’t refuse.
Today I had to greet the kids happily. I had to smile and chat with other moms and dads about their kids and at home, I also have to be a mom. I have to listen to my child’s daily anecdotes. I have to at least give her the time she wants to spend with me making crafts and pretending to order cupcakes and donuts in her pastry shop. Since my parents are here on a vacation, I had to again pretend that I am fine so I don’t make anyone worry about me. I have to eat even when I don’t have appetite because I still need to put something in my body and of course I thank my mom for cooking our meals. It lessens my chores for the time being.
Deep inside I knew that I really just want to be alone. I just want to deal with my struggles quietly without someone having to see through my teary eyes. I just want to have my own space where I can at least breathe and not hear any unsolicited advice or judgments. Though I would like a hug from my child, she is too smart to know the pain I am going through without me saying a word. And no, I don’t want her to feel my pain.
Today, I stared at the crayons my students were using during coloring time. I realized how quickly they used it all up in just a month and I need to purchase it once more. I thought, if only I can purchase happiness as quickly as I click on Amazon to get these cheerful crayons then maybe I would feel better. During circle time, it was torture singing the song from the Singing Walrus entitled “Na Na Na I’m So Happy” We have to practice it for the Christmas performance but saying those words meant nothing to me. I know I should set aside my personal problems since I am at work but I just can’t help it. I needed a time out. For the first time in my life I asked my manager if I can just let the kids have a quiet time activity while I am sorting out my emotions. I am lucky to have an understanding colleague. She gave me my time and gave me the permission to give up. I gave up today and I am so sorry.
I just realized that no matter how much we pretend and no matter how much we fake our smiles, even if we are so good in holding back the hurts and disappointments, we will eventually just reach the point of exhaustion. Now that I am a mother, I know that I have to set aside my own dramas because my little one is depending on me. I have to be stronger than any kind of depression knocking on my door. I have to take care of another life and it means not having the choice of giving up.
I am sorry I gave up today,
I am hurt.
I am hurting.