I gave up today

The most exhausting thing in this world is pretending that you are okay when in fact you are not. Even when your world is falling apart you still have to fulfill certain roles because you are expected to play the parts assigned to you. There is an urge to keep going which you can’t refuse.

Today I had to greet the kids happily. I had to smile and chat with other moms and dads about their kids and at home, I also have to be a mom. I have to listen to my child’s daily anecdotes. I have to at least give her the time she wants to spend with me making crafts and pretending to order cupcakes and donuts in her pastry shop. Since my parents are here on a vacation, I had to again pretend that I am fine so I don’t make anyone worry about me. I have to eat even when I don’t have appetite because I still need to put something in my body and of course I thank my mom for cooking our meals. It lessens my chores for the time being.

Deep inside I knew that I really just want to be alone. I just want to deal with my struggles quietly without someone having to see through my teary eyes. I just want to have my own space where I can at least breathe and not hear any unsolicited advice or judgments. Though I would like a hug from my child, she is too smart to know the pain I am going through without me saying a word. And no, I don’t want her to feel my pain.

Today, I stared at the crayons my students were using during coloring time. I realized how quickly they used it all up in just a month and I need to purchase it once more. I thought, if only I can purchase happiness as quickly as I click on Amazon to get these cheerful crayons then maybe I would feel better. During circle time, it was torture singing the song from the Singing Walrus entitled “Na Na Na I’m So Happy” We have to practice it for the Christmas performance but saying those words meant nothing to me. I know I should set aside my personal problems since I am at work but I just can’t help it. I needed a time out. For the first time in my life I asked my manager if I can just let the kids have a quiet time activity while I am sorting out my emotions. I am lucky to have an understanding colleague. She gave me my time and gave me the permission to give up. I gave up today and I am so sorry.

I just realized that no matter how much we pretend and no matter how much we fake our smiles, even if we are so good in holding back the hurts and disappointments, we will eventually just reach the point of exhaustion. Now that I am a mother, I know that I have to set aside my own dramas because my little one is depending on me. I have to be stronger than any kind of depression knocking on my door. I have to take care of another life and it means not having the choice of giving up.

I am sorry I gave up today,
I am hurt.
I am hurting.

But I will try again tomorrow.

Always

I felt like today won’t end. There’s just too much going on in my thoughts and in my heart. Balancing work, life, and motherhood is no easy task. It doesn’t only require a lot of patience and perseverance but endurance too.

Many times I ask myself if I will be enough every single day. Will my energy be enough to last at work and at home? Will my health be okay because someone needs me to be okay 24/7? When I start to sneeze and cough I worry that my little one might get sick and no, we can’t be sick. I have a job to go to and my child needs to have a good attendance record. I want to rest but more questions come in. Will I be able to pay the bills and provide all our needs this month? Yes, of course. But then I have to start budgeting for the next. Wait, before I forget, will I be able to make it to the teacher’s meeting at 2 PM next week? How can I do that if I am still at work? Will I be able to watch my kid’s school program? Can I even take a day off to do that? I really want to but sometimes I have no choice.

It’s going to be rainy tomorrow. A typhoon is coming over the weekend. It will be difficult to dry the laundry. There are only two days to rest but I actually need to do chores and go to that extra job. My kid got into an argument with another kid in class and the teacher writes to me about it. My playful kid joked in the restroom that there is a ghost just like what I did when I was in first grade. Nobody took it as a joke. My kid tried to entertain her friends by being a magician making their lunchmats move or erasers disappear and appear behind their ear because we watched the same act from a cartoon and she was curious if it really works but they didn’t like it. Sometimes I don’t know what is best for us. Sometimes I really feel so overwhelmed with the small and big things that’s happening around me but I still get up. I go to work. I touch other people’s lives without asking for anything in return. I am thankful for every single day because even if I have to face this alone, I am blessed with a child who never made me feel alone.

I am exhausted but I am not defeated. My heart may have been broken many times but it is still beautiful. I love unconditionally and faithfully and I believe that same love will be given back to me.

Many of us may not be in a happy place right now. The struggles of motherhood and our personal lives may make us cave in but we have our child who inspires, cares, values us, saves us, and loves us unconditionally and faithfully. The next time we ask ourselves if we will be able to… the answer is yes. Always.